That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.