Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels