I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.