she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he fucked my hip out of place.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..