I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
