ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
