somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
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I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.