I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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