Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.