On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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