woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
sarcasm needs its own font
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.