You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"