I feel like death gave me a hand job
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
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I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
this will be a night to untag.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.