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I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
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