My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
