Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
bring money and cleavage
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night