How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
no more duck duck goose at the bar
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
try lime green
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down