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I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
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