i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.