I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she peed on how many people?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we're making bets on your personal life
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.