omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.