Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.