Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need to sanitize my soul.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
He's a Shit stain on my heart
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex