Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dating After Heartbreak
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.