I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?