dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
