All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
bring money and cleavage
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator