as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
look no pants
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you didnt know i had herpes?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section