370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just found a bag of teeth...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
they're like a gay fantastic four