Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
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I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Porn is love you can see.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
look no pants
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm retarded. Again.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...