12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
porn star boner night. come get it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.