you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.