Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i can juggle bunnies
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.