its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm going to jail i love you
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im so drunk with asians
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.