We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.