Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You were trust falling into bushes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
