He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
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No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
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You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I will be naked everywhere
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...