There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.