I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
