Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
they call him Oral-B. enough said