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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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