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hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
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