This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..