I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.