well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
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The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Banned from zoo.
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dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward