the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
