I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays