I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.