I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i came on her dog
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years