Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i dont even know how to be here
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
Intervention is following me on twitter.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.