He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm an idiot
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.